Aga Aquino

For a long time, I felt lost, unsure of what happiness truly meant and what truly mattered in life. It wasn’t until a few years ago, during the tail end of the COVID-19 pandemic, that I experienced a profound moment of self-realization—one that began with an unexpected encounter with my own reflection.

Facing Myself

During this period, I met someone who was like a mirror of my own personality and attitude. Initially, this seemed wonderful. My narcissism thrived on the validation of seeing my thoughts echoed back to me. However, as I got to know this mirror image better, I began to confront some uncomfortable truths about myself.

I saw my self-absorption, arrogance, and unjustified confidence—traits I had long mistaken for charisma. This confrontation with my own flaws was jarring, and it led me to dislike many aspects of who I was. The person I had met and in turn projected to the world was a lie, one that even I had started to believe. The realization of this led to a painful falling out with myself, which in turn caused me and my JM, to isolate ourselves from our community. The emotional wounds ran deep.

I wanted to mend the rift I had caused, but in the process, I realized that the person I had come face to face with was not worth saving. It was only through a painful process of self-awareness that I began to understand how others truly saw me.

A Turning Point

This self-reflection plunged me into a deep depression. I began to fear that my friends and loved ones might despise me as much as I despised myself. This fear manifested in hallucinations of people I knew, their voices accusing me of being an “arrogant fool.” The weight of these thoughts was unbearable, and at one point, I envisioned my own death. In this vision, I was a ghost at my own funeral, witnessing an empty wake with no one to mourn my passing. This image terrified me more than the prospect of death itself.

However, this dark vision was a wake-up call. Desperate for answers, I reached out to my friends and family, sharing my fears and insecurities. To my surprise, I was met with love, understanding, and empathy. This outpouring of support rekindled a sense of hope I hadn’t felt in years. Despite my self-loathing, there were still people who loved me, reminding me that there were aspects of myself worth nurturing and developing.

Choosing Happiness

This journey led me to make conscious choices about my life. I chose self-acceptance over denial. I acknowledged my arrogance and realized that I had much to learn. Admitting “I don’t know” became a common phrase for me, replacing the false bravado of pretending to have all the answers.

I also chose to accept defeat gracefully. In the past, I would have done anything to avoid admitting failure, even if it meant deceiving myself and others. But I’ve learned that embracing failure is essential for growth. It’s better to take the loss and learn from it than to stubbornly cling to a false image of perfection.

Moving Forward

With these realizations, I decided to move forward, leaving behind the toxic aspects of my past self. The future is uncertain, and while it can be daunting, it’s also full of potential. My old arrogance had kept me stagnant, believing that I already knew everything and that any failures were due to bad luck or external factors. Letting go of this mindset has allowed me to approach life with humility and openness.

Rediscovering Myself

Embracing this new perspective, I chose to pursue true happiness, or as the Stoics call it, eudaimonia—a life of flourishing and contentment. I left a full-time job I despised, opting instead to work part-time and dedicate more time to the things I love. While this meant earning less money, it allowed me to reclaim my time and well-being. As I’ve learned, money may come and go, but happiness is something you must actively seek and hold onto.

Coming Home

Recently, I returned to the Philippines, where I spent several weeks reflecting on my journey and planning how to build a fulfilling life. Reconnecting with my roots, family, and friends has been profoundly grounding. The simple act of tinkering with old tech and learning new skills reignited my passion for technology.

More importantly, being surrounded by loved ones reminded me of the power of community and support.

This journey of rediscovery has been transformative. I’ve found someone better within myself—a person who is loved and capable of love. As I continue to grow and learn, I am grateful for the support of my family and friends. Their presence in my life reassures me that I am not alone and that I am worth loving.

In the end, I went home to find myself, but I discovered so much more. I found hope, love, and the realization that happiness is a choice—a choice I’m committed to making every day.