Aga Aquino

Tick Tock Alice…

“Today I will…

… plan my day. First, I’ll clean the kitchen. Then I’ll wash my car. Once I have everything in order, I’ll work on my coding. For sure I’ll have time to workout, then practice the piano and get a couple of chapters done.”

~ Four hours later

“I guess the kitchen can wait. No need to be stingy about that. I’ll have the car washed next week. For sure! It’s already evening, I can’t possibly work out when I have to wake up early. But early morning I can fit in a workout. Got to commit. I’ve been eyeing that keyboard for months now, when I buy it I’ll be able to practice for sure. Yep, next time.”

~ Four weeks later

“Shit…”

I’m not diagnosed with ADHD, but I feel like I do when my head is all over the place sometimes. I would look at my current living situations and see all the flaws, all the mistakes, all personal projects that need doing.

I should do this. I should be that. But why am I not?

It’s like looking at a glass wall where on the other side is perfection, the correct amount of everything I want in life. The right body weight, the right income, the right set of clothes, the right car. But I’m on the other side, but what’s frustrating is that I can break the wall. I know it! But somehow it just feels impossible.

I feel like my potential has been robbed from me, as if the culmination of my life’s decision somehow didn’t end up how I wanted, and it feels unfair.

But the Stoic teachings sooner or later kick in. I feel this way because I think this way and as I adjust my thinking the path becomes clear.

“Today 5 books arrived in the mail…

… and I promptly began reading the first one on top. The Myth of Sisyphus by Albert Camus. I then began thinking about the absurdity of existence, but came to think about the beauty of life and the awesome power of being able to end it all. I then re-read The Courage to be Disliked by Kishimi and Koga. I re-read the Thursday Murder Club by Osman. Then the selected writings of Nietzsche and now I’m thinking about the divinity in human beings and how organized religion has corrupted the message of love and tolerance that Jesus’s has preached.

~ Four days later

I feel like I’m on a roll. I’m deeply motivated, and I have stopped seeing my flaws as barriers but simple obstacles I have to climb over.

I am not inadequate, perhaps misguided, but not unfixable.

Welcome to my cycle. The thing with hyperactive thinking is that the highs hit hard but so does the lows. And dealing with the oscillations in my head have been difficult, but I manage.